Rip off the mask, tear down the walls. Show the world your beautiful self!

So I had myself all psyched up to try to do the two-step lessons tonight, but halfway through another crazy day at work, my knee decided to slip a bit.  Deciding to err on the side of caution (and to ensure that I would be dancing tomorrow night) I opted for a Red’s salad, some laundry and another night spent cuddling kitties. 

The countdown to my knee repair officially starts tomorrow when I go in for my pre-op blood work.  It’s going to be especially challenging because they had to change my early appointment on Friday to a later one tomorrow as the doctor decided he wasn’t coming in on Friday.  The real downside is that I will not be able to eat until after the blood work which, even though I opted to do it before I see the doctor, still means that my stomach will be devoid of food, and worse, of coffee until around 11 AM!  Yikes!  But as soon as the vampires are finished with me, I’ll be making a mad dash for the carton of greek yogurt and cup of coffee which will be stashed in my car.  I do hope they make quick work of it as the last thing I ate was around 7 or so tonight, and when my blood sugar is that low and my caffeine level is zero, I tend to be a bit cranky.  Ok, maybe more than a bit.

Chatted a bit with my sister today before she left for one of her regular hospital visits.  I’m hoping she doesn’t have another screamer down the hall, but as I haven’t heard anything, I’m assuming all is peaceful.  She seems to be having some regrets about her relationship with our mom, and is trying to fix things for me as a result.  I wish I could make her see that the only thing she really needs to do is to forgive herself.  Both of us did what we felt we needed to for our own sanity and our kids, and it was the right thing to do at the time.  It is only after many years and a lot of distance that we are coming to understand the woman behind the many masks, and to feel compassion for her instead of annoyance or contempt.  That doesn’t mean that we need to go back and beat ourselves up for being insensitive to her needs.  It just means that we have to, as with any life experience, take the lesson and leave the pain behind.  I suppose, if I really thought about it though, there is another lesson here for me and that is compassion for my sister and, not only her health issues but her issues with her son which are not unlike the relationship challenges I have with my youngest daughter.  It’s easy enough for me to preach acceptance and patience when I have a daughter with whom I have a close relationship.  She doesn’t have that luxury.  But I want her to understand that I’m ok with not being one big, happy family.  The truth is, we weren’t really raised that way as some of my friends were, so we’ve had to form our own family dynamics.  I believe I’ve done a pretty good job, even though Jenni still keeps herself somewhat distanced these days.  Heather, Mathom and I more than make up for it with our silliness and closeness.  And just as Linda and I developed our own, unique family dynamics, Jenni needs to be allowed to do the same.  And if that means that she does not have a close relationship with me, I can and will accept and respect her choices and her right to make them. 

When people are on the outside looking in (and I include myself in that) it’s very easy to make assumptions about what is right or wrong, but the reality is, unless you are intimately involved, you really don’t know how everyone’s feelings are playing into the scenario and, as such, can only judge what’s going on from your own experiences.  Those experiences may or may not have prepared the onlooker to understand how the complex interrelationships work, and it certainly does not prepare them to assess the situation and determine that something is broken, nor that, even if this were true, would they be the one to fix it.  Which brings me right back around to acceptance, and it’s very close partner, forgiveness. 

My meditation today took an interesting turn.  I often think about how I’d like to find someone who would love me the way Dylan does.  But today, it was different.  I started out with the unconditional, total love I feel for myself.  From there, I drifted into thoughts of someone who could not only love me that way, but who could accept me loving them the same way!  While this may seem like a no brainer to some, to me, it was quite an epiphany!  Not only that, I came out of my meditation feeling refreshed, energized, happy and very positive. 

Work has been crazy busy with government fiscal year end looming over our heads, and our customers scrambling like roaches from Raid, so energized though I might be, sleep is calling to me and has been quite thorough for the last couple of weeks, to my great joy! 

Love and light.


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